Last night I returned home to find a gift from my mom, and my boy wandering out of bed past bedtime. Also his father whom I immediately locked onto for guidance I needed about a challenging situation I was facing, without letting my sun interrupt.
Then I found this:
“I understand that you are currently having problems in your life and I am going to let you express those things to your husband but please don’t open this gift without me. love, gavin”
Wow, right?
We open it, and lo:
“Fancy Gesigns” PussyHat and pictorial of the Jan 21st International Women’s March!
SO. STOKED.
Mom, thank you!!!!
Today I awake to just another morning with unicorns strewn in my bed:
Saying goodbye to them for a couple of days at the morning bus stop, they even let me take their picture together. It happened to be “Dress to Impress” Day for Spirit Week:
This slideshow requires JavaScript.
(Yesterday was
Crazy Hair Day):
And tomorrow is “Throwback Thursday” – dressing from the past. Gavin said he wants to dress as himself from “one minute in the past.” (I had suggested “yesterday.”)
Tomorrow for me begins days of wall-to-wall classes, but tonight it’s all HOTEL ROOM BY MYSELF.
Then FRIDAY is PAJAMA DAY after which my three drive down to join me!
So QUICK, I better stop doing my favorite thing (blogging about my family) so I can do my favorite thing (blog about my family and other stuff).
Now here is a dream any mother carries around deep within her heart. I’d swear on mymother that I’d already shared this video long ago, but since I cannot find it elsewhere on the blog, and because the possibility of realizing this dream is tauntingly nigh, I share it with you now.
Due to circumstances swirling around me, it is not guaranteed that I will be able to pull this off. But I am prepared to do everything I can within reason.
Last night I had the privilege of attending a talk given by Joani Geltman, MSW; “Child Development and Parenting Expert.“ The focus of the talk was managing use of social networking devices (phones, tablets, computers, etc.). Although my own kids are nowhere near getting their own phone, our son is already a regular user of a computer (primarily for Minecraft), and the longer we can delay him from accidentally tripping upon porn -ETC.- the better. And this takes vigilance and technical know-how on the order that a generation of parents has heretofore NEVER KNOWN.
Here are some bullet points from the talk:
Parenting Your Child’s Journey into Social Networking
o The most important thing is to start your management of children’s devices EARLY. Once they have a device already, it’s hard to work backwards in terms of limiting and monitoring their exposures.
0 Think of it like your kid starting to drive. You don’t just throw them the keys and send them out on the highway. You have a great number of safety lessons, driving practices, learning about legal responsibilities etc., with many baby steps over many months, ultimately leading to solo excursions. (Full disclosure my heart is palpitating just writing this.)
“Cute Girl Committing Suicide/Homicide”
Child Brain vs. Adult Brain
o These devices are like crack to kids. (And people too, I’d argue.) We literally get dopamine hits from regular use of the devices. By limiting use you reduce the risk and effects of addiction.
o Hello! SEX TALK in middle school is like POOPY TALK in elementary school. It’s funny and awkward and weird; mysterious, intriguing, gross and INEVITABLE.
“No WAY!”
o Kids also don’t realize how their texts SOUND, much less the greater implications or potential consequences of things they write.
“He said he wouldn’t show it to anyone.”
o To hauntingly illustrate the above point, watch the documentary “Being 13” by CNN.
o My opinion: In the above clip, by “less likely to get upset with social media” I presume the reporter means “less likely to endanger themselves, incur social humiliation or commit suicide.”
o Kids aren’t actually able to think their actions through to their logical or possible conclusion. That is Adult Thinking, with the pre-frontal cortex. They are operating from the Emotional Brain, the amigdyla.
o Establish from the beginning that you will be going through their phones on a regular basis, WITH them, for the sake of checking patterns and habits, screening for health and educating…etc. (See below: “EDUCATE: SOCIAL NETWORKING SAFETY”)
o FIRST THING thing when you buy your kid a phone:
Go to Settings, => General, => Restrictions… then you put in a very private password (that only the parents know and you will never share with your kid.)
Then you can disable anything you want, e.g.: INTERNET (“Safari”), restrict download apps, etc.
Use an app to set TIME RESTRICTIONS of when the phone is ON or OFF.
o Why no internet access on phone? => Prevent downloads of apps without permission.
o How many apps should we start with? => How about ONE?
o How many games? => Rule of thumb: Add one, delete one.
o The more access they have, the more obsessive they become!
o Phone should be OFF at night. Otherwise kids stay up all night texting and develop literal sleep disorders because they become addicted to social networking as a metric for their own self-esteem. (YIKES.)
o Phone should be OFF at school. The temptation to use it on the sly (under desk, in the bathroom, etc.) is an unhealthy distraction; they don’t have the impulse control! They shouldn’t have access to YOU during the day to help solve their problems; school is a place for them to develop independence and problem solving skills for themselves. You shouldn’t have access to THEM for the same reasons. (Emergencies can obviously be handled through regular school phone channels.)
o Have your kids’ password… absolutely. It’s a SAFETY ISSUE. Period.
o Here are some (currently) recommended Parental Control tools:
Vaults
o Beware of VAULTS!
o WTF are “VAULTS!”?
o VAULTS are DECOY programs whose icons LOOK like regular apps -and BEHAVE like regular apps- but in fact are a place for kids to HIDE CONTENT from their parents!
o For example:
Looks like a normal app
o AYFKM?!
Setting Expectations
o As the parent, it’s essential that you set expectations from the start that, together with your child, you will read through social threads together, regularly. (Less and less over time as they gradually develop independence.)
o In this way you are their SOCIAL TECHNOLOGY TEACHER, wherein you evaluate your kids and their friends’ content.
o Start by sitting down with the first phone bill and looking at the # of texts and hours of use.
o Fun Fact: Teens are reputed to send upwards of 80 texts/day, 3000/month and are on devices up to 7 or more hours/day.
o Use these 4 litmus questions as guidelines:
o In fact, post these four rules in the house somewhere, so the expectations are clear.
o Your kid(s) will argue they need their device for homework. Doing online group homework need not be the NORM. Students still need to be able to THINK INDEPENDENTLY. (Also, by over reliance on group home working they risk losing confidence in their own abilities.)
How to Talk to Your Kids about This Stuff
o After something outrageously inappropriate happens in your child’s social networking life and you blow your top yelling at them, that is to be expected. But AFTER that, you need to go back for PART TWO of that conversation.
o Raising your voice with your kid(s) in Elementary School may work. Developmentally they are able to accept direction and follow rules.
o Raising your voice with your kid(s) in Middle & High School is a non-starter. It will just turn off their brains. They will not listen to you.
o PART TWO of the conversation goes like this; “I get how this could happen.” (Discuss.)
o The way to talk to your kids is not to say “I need to talk to you,” but to share relevant STORIES, on an ongoing basis.
o “You better not do that” is not a strategy.
o “I understand you will be in situations that you don’t know what to do.”
o You want your kid to want to come to you.
o Then you say, “We know how important this is to you. However this is the amount of time we’ve decided is appropriate for you at this time.” Then you do this; [look them in the eyes empathetically and SHRUG].
o That shoulder shrug is a very important way to put a period on the end of your sentence. Otherwise the dispute can go on and on and their listening brain shuts off anyway and it’s not productive for anyone.
Word to the Wise
o Kids whose parents impose restrictions are happier. (See video clip above.)
o A lot of parents don’t realize the discretion that is theirs to exercise of their child’s use of devices. (This part steams me every time. Every day you see parents catering to their little dictators’ every whim. I always wonder what exactly they think is their fucking END GAME!?!)
o You don’t have to give them the WORLD just because they want it!
o In summary:
o And DON’T let (use of devices during) summers get away from you!
About the Expert
o Please note, Joani’s talk was CHOCK FULL of anecdotal stories underscoring the perils of everything alluded to above.
o Here is her book! (Also written in short bullet point/ anecdote form.)
o You can also check out or follow her BLOG, Joani’s Parenting Tip of the Day, on which she posts helpful tips for parents twice weekly!
o Thanks to the Friends of Tobin School, Friends of Vassal Lane Upper School, Friends of Haggerty School and Friends of Graham and Parks School for bringing Joani to speak at the inaugural event of our Cambridge Public School triad!
So… now we know what to do before our little lamb rips off the 7th seal to the apocalypse.
After the devastating fire in our neighborhood in December, the Cambridge City Council looked for the helpers and boy did they find one.
This ceremony honoring high school junior Isaiah Robinson is inspiring in its tribute to his heroism in the face of the fire (rescuing all 5 of his siblings plus three other children), but also in his incredible appreciation of his city, his school community and his family. His emotional outburst is also a thing of beautiful vulnerability in strong young man.
And this not about me but when I hear him speak to the incredible support he appreciates in his teachers and staff at the Cambridge High School school –CRLS– my heart is bursting with enthusiasm shouting, “MY TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!” (Also with gratitude that my own children may go there one day.)
I wasn’t going to write about my second Town Hall Meeting in Cambridge last night, from fear of Boring the Blog. But then some cool stuff happened.
1)
When I raised my hand to ask a clarifying question about best practices for contacting representatives, *my* State Representative – Marjorie Decker– not only called on me by name, had the panel answer the question (mixed opinion on efficacy of hand written letters vs. emails), she then said into the microphone, “And I’d like to personally thank YOU, if I may, do you mind?” I shrugged in openness and not knowing to what she was referring. Then she said, “As some of you may know Jenny is ‘Jenny the Juggler,’ and she brings a lot of joy to families in our community, and I think we really need that right now so I personally want to thank you. I’ve known you in the community from afar for a while and you’ve known me from afar so I just wanted to say that.”
Needless to say I was surprised.
So I blushed, nodded and sat down.
2)
Towards the end I learned about a new group called CAST: Cambridge Area Stronger Together. I met engaged neighbors who were cool and welcoming.
New C.A.S.T. friends Maura, Peter & Pamela
When they started sharing how proud they were of their efforts to elect the late Hillary Clinton for president, I came up against my own difficulties in forgiving her for; 1) rigging the primary away from Bernie last year in Philly, 2) running a campaign that resulted in the election of this motherfucking SCROTUS we have now, 3) disappearing after the general election altogether (which is why I refer to her as the “late” Hillary Clinton, R.I.P.), and 4) for being a corporatist Republican-light in the first place.
Yes I partly blame Clinton for this unthinkable travesty.
BUT, just as with the current division and ineffectiveness of our Democrats in CONGRESS, we citizens are going to need to work together. I suppose I have a lot to learn from these CAST guys. (Like, HRC is actually “really progressive because she was the first presidential candidate to utter the phrase ‘LBGTQ’ in her concession speech in 2008.” I’m like, that is great, but how much does that have to do with her campaign in 2016?!)
My cast friend also referred to that tired argument that Bernie is not really a Democrat. And that really riles me. I don’t personally really care WTF PARTY you are affiliated with; I care about what VALUES you are fighting for, and the METHODS you use.
Yes I am unapologetically #BernieForever. He can have my heart and my $27 any day.
3)
As we left the meeting I noticed several boxes of pizza leftover. So I grabbed one to distribute to any of the ubiquitous destitute around Mental Central Square I would inevitably encounter. I had a weird feeling when we all said goodbye and I wondered if they thought I taking pizza for myself. I also had a weird feeling when I saw the three of them all walking down the street together after I thought they all said goodbye to each other in my presence. (?) So I paused instead to take in the beauty of our City Hall shining in the night.
4)
There was actually a musician performing on the sidewalk in Mental Central Square! He had already eaten thank you but was appreciative of my praise for trying to busk here. It did not take long to find two homeless guys flying high and hanging at the bus stop. Woo-wee were they psyched for free pizza. After being adorned by their colorful (if odiferous) praise as a certifiable angel from heaven -lol- I walked home.
5)
So I am considering showing up for the next C.A.S.T. event; a vigil this afternoon near my old stomping grounds in the Harvard Square “pit.” I would do this both in protest to the SCROTUS Administration and in an effort to put on my big-girl panties and start getting over my own revulsion to (gag) Hillary-ites.
CAN SHE DO IT!?
C.A.S.T. Mission
(Der. Who m’I kidding. We share the same goals. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Right!?)
Citizens checking in to a Zoning Ordinance Hearing at Cambridge City Hall’s Sullivan Chamber
My dearest Oksana, this scintillating post is especially for you.
Here is some of what I found at the City Hall hearing about this clause potentially exempting current development projects from having to include 20% as affordable housing.
DISCLAIMER: I am not experienced with legal language or economic finance language.
BUT, the way I understand it, the city has promised the current development at North Point they would only need to include about 9% affordable housing. The debate seems to be whether that is still negotiable or not.
Our State Rep. Mike Connolly believes it IS.
The LAWYER LADY (?City Solicitor Nancy Glowa) designated to interpret the details during the hearing seemed to be arguing that it is -basically- not.
Also of note, I was personally alarmed when it was suggested (a couple weeks ago by fellow concerned citizens) that the REASON 6 of our 9 City Councilors do not seem motivated to fight for the maximum amount is due to favors owed in return for CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS by the developer! (Shocking I know.)
The ones on our side are reputed to be: Jan Devereaux, Dennis Carlone and Nadeem Mazen.
Here is the rest of the information I was able to gather for you at this hearing:
Finally my love, I want you to know that when I called Mike Connolly’s office afterwards, his intern Chris was very receptive, informed and helpful. (“Mr. Connolly is as involved in this municipal issue as is legally permissible for a state representative.”)
He encouraged us to email Mr. Connolly and let him know our interest in helping his efforts on this issue!
circuskitchen 