circuskitchen

Monday, January 11th 2020

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Inspired by these words below here, on this day I signed up for an online meditation thing.

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This person Dr. Amanda Kemp is someone whose black voice I’d like to tune to, and amplify when possible.

I get that this country was based on abduction, genocide, rape, religious hypocrisy and systemic violence against blacks, women and Native Americans.

And I get that I need to listen to nonwhite voices and amplify them when possible.

Also, when events of the world are stressful, I understand that *action* is the best form of self-care.

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So I log on at 11am for this 15 minute action. We “hold space for transformation,” “get into our bodies,” “connect with breath,” and focus on an “intention that is aspirational and beyond the anxiety; a higher being to bring into yourself and your being.” Like “Love” or something.

We spend a few moments (90 seconds actually), focused and breathing together in light of the recent state of affairs what with our Nazi president inciting violent seditious insurrection. You know.

After giving space to our feelings (outrage, disgust, incredulity), we are then asked to share what more vulnerable feelings might lie underneath.

I notice that under my outrage is a sadness, grief and fear, because I also see myself in those repugnant, despicable hateful, disgusting, brainwashed tRump supporters. Like them I am also human and am capable of horrible violence, at least in spirit. I see their hate, and I feel hate. I see them wishing harm and doing harm, and I wish harm upon them.

Take this guy for example (real or not);

While there is debate as to whether this guy’s fatal heart attack was from tasing his own balls or just from what a hard-on he had for cosplaying “Nazi Militia” with his homies.

Either way, I find myself 100% fine with the fact that he died. And wishing *lots* more of them lost would have their lives during the insurrection. And fantasizing about lots more of them winning similar Darwin Awards. And I would be fine with the Capital Police blowing holes through as many of their heads as possible and not just the sole woman they did that to.

So there’s that. I ‘m not proud of these feelings. I am acknowledging them though. I know that violence is not the answer. And I have no wish to INCITE violence. But I see I have violence in my heart. It would be nice not to have it but I think first I need to understand that it is there.

Gee you think I need more meditation practice?

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Lastly, I noticed that -while I am wrestling my inner demons- I am interconnected with a circle of people who are aspirational and working on bringing peace and healing into the world.

And they’re. ALL. WOMEN.

Every single last one of them.

ONLY women. NOT. ONE. MAN. Signed up for a 15 minute exercise in the interest of elevating consciousness and bringing about healing.

What a fucking bill of goods we’ve been sold in society; indoctrinating us with the notion that it is MEN who are wise, powerful and most qualified for leadership.

F#CK THAT NOISE.

Only a society with women and minorities represented in governance will have any chance at peace and equity.

Of this I am sure.

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