Thursday, May 11th 2017
Because the U.S. political scene under Hair Trump has become so profoundly batshit unhinged bizarro-world crazy town, I don’t EVEN try to explain it to my kids these days. But because we’re going to be stuck with this astrologically proportioned asshole taking up insurmountable annals in our history books, I aim to record a place marker here and there so my kids can one day look back and take a peek at this unconscionable circus from their dear mother’s point of view.
Other Clowns Not Shown: Jeff Sessions, Sean Spicer or his new substitute apologist Sarah HUCKABEE Sanders.
True things that have happened in the last TWO days;
♣ Hair Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, who is leading the investigation into said Hair’s collusion with the Russian government to throw the election that landed him this “presidency.”
♣ Hair Trump claimed this was necessary on account of Comey’s unfair treatment of his former opponent whom he affectionately calls “Crooked Hillary” Clinton. Now that six months have passed, this makes perfect sense (not).
[See minute 2:00]
♣ Or as late night comic Jimmy Kimmel put it:
“One reason they gave — and this is really something — for firing Comey is because he mishandled the Hillary Clinton email situation. Which is hilarious because that would mean Trump fired James Comey for making him president. He really does hate doing this job.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
♣ Kids; what Comey did as FBI Director last October was resurrect THE SAME OLD questions about Hillary’s infernal EMAIL issues a mere TEN DAYS before our 2016 election. The question –of her having used a private UNSECURED email server for government purposes back when she served as Obama’s Secretary of State– dogged her throughout the whole campaign season. Much as I dislike Hillary, this issue was nothing more than a veritable *trumped*-up Witch Hunt on the part of the GOP.
♣ Incidentally, my boyfriend Bernie feels the same way:
♣ Of course the the stupid f*cking misogynist Chump Supporters* had very little more than this dim-witted “email” argument to justify their need to vote for a disgusting, lying, cheating, psychopathic, narcissistically disordered billionaire for president to “drain the swamp” of regular Washington D.C. politics by replacing the players with even worse corporatist, oligarch, plundering Wall Street kleptocrats.
♣ Trust me children; I wasted a GREAT deal of time trying to respectfully engage in meaningful dialogue with these “people” during the campaign season… when I could have been cleaning your room and being a better mother. I did -and do- dearly want to give them the benefit of the doubt as sentient human beings. Sadly I have had to conclude that it’s TOTALLY futile. Even more sadly these people procreate with impunity and you will have to contend with them in even greater numbers in your lifetime and they may well succeed in burning up the planet after all.
♣ TO. WIT:
[Warning: Language appropriate to content, which is to say, NOT AT ALL.]
IDIOCRACY Opening Scene Our Future [2:53]:
End Side Note.
Where were we? Oh yes, $Hillary’s damn emails.
♣ As $He put in her first postmortem appearance;
(She also now claims she is ready to… get this; join the Resistance. omg LOL barf!)
♣ Though let’s be clear, this Bish was INFINITELY more qualified to Rule the United States, even if she is on the SAME DAMN CORRUPT CORPORATIST TEAM AS CHUMP.
[L to R]: BLOTUS Chump, $Shillary Clinton, ex-President Bill Clinton, and abhorrent taxpayer hemmorage, Mail-Order-Melania
♣ Let’s also be clear, Comey’s main accusation
of Clinton had been:
“Although we did not find clear evidence that Secretary Clinton or her colleagues intended to violate laws governing the handling of classified information, there is evidence that they were extremely careless in their handling of very sensitive, highly classified information.”
♣ Never mind that within the first few weeks of Hair Chump’s “presidency,” he handled a literal nuclear event in South Korea from the ***middle*** of his dining room at his taxpayer funded Southern White House Mar-A-Lago resort, illuminated by literal candlelight AND the cell phone cameras of nearby guests. NO F*ING JOKE. How did he get away with this?! This unhinged monster’s unequaled talent for throwing shit-storm upon multiplying shitstorm upon the American people has us wiping our eyes and shadow boxing every. single. day. It is unprecedented and a mere 4 months into this administration we’re still stuck in the starting gate as to how and where to start getting RID of this inconceivable asshole!!!]
AND DID YOU KNOW:
♣ The last time a U.S. president FIRED the person in charge of investigating said President Nixon’s treasonous activity was on Saturday, October 20th 1973 when Nixon fired a Special Prosecutor, Archibald Cox
♣ This firing fueled the flames of the most infamous scandal in U.S. Presidential history, called W-A-T-E-R-G-A-T-E. Sadly I am not currently qualified to explain to you what happened then (while I was a toddler), but I can tell you it is important because thanks to WATERGATE, President Nixon became the first American president ever to RESIGN in disgrace.
♣ A big difference between Chump and Nixon firing the chief investigators into their own fraud is that Nixon asked his Attorney General -Eliot Richardson- to do the firing; being maybe a good man, Richardson refused and resigned (in what is known as the Saturday Night Massacre.) In Trump’s case, our current lying little Attorney General Jeff Sessions RECOMMENDED the firing, even though he is supposed to have RECUSED himself of all things having to do with the Trump-Russian collusion.
♣ Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open SNL – March 4th 2017 [5:37]:
♣ Let’s be clear about Jeff Sessions. He is supposed to be the HEAD of ALL LAW in the United States. He LIED UNDER OATH. About our current president’s involvement with the Russians. Also about his OWN involvement with the Russian Government.
♣ Like, with this guy:
Sergey Kislyak, Russia’s Ambassador to the U.S.
♣ IN FACT, our BLOTUS is so insurmountably brazen that he invited the White House press corps in for a photo op with Russian Guy-Person Sergey LAVROV (I don’t know who that is) directly on the heels of firing Comey. But what did they find? (Don’t worry you’ll never guess.)
SURPRISE! It’s Henry Kissinger!
♣ Who is Henry Kissinger? Actually, remember the Nixon and Watergate stuff I mentioned from 44 years before? Kissinger was NIXON’S National Security Advisor back then!
Nixon and Kissinger in the early 1970’s
♣ Honestly Kissinger has done a bunch of other stuff all around the world since then and read many books but I haven’t read any of them and can’t even begin to tell you what he was doing in the Oval Office with BLOTUS yesterday other than to CONTINUE to confuse us and throw us off track as BLOTUS has been doing his whole public life.
Maybe this will help: cnn.com/2017/05/10/politics/donald-trump-henry-kissinger/
♣ Eventually the press got its photo op with Sergey Lavrov… AND Kislyak.
Hair Chump and the Sergeys
♣ Actually wait, they diU.S. journalists were not allowed in!dn’t! Only the Russian press was allowed in! And today Chump is pissed about the “problem with the Russians is that they lie!”
White House furious after being trolled with Russia Oval Office photos
♣ Meanwhile over in Russia, President Dictator Vladimir Putin took a few minutes out of his hockey game to answer a few questions about the Comey firing:
“Ve haf nossing to do viss dat.”
♣ This of course prompted our favorite White House Press Secretary to Deny any Ties to the United States.
KIDDING! That was Andy Borowitz of the New Yorker Magazine, another of our most invaluable comedic political pundits.
♣ But really, BLOTUS is throwing so much smoke and mirrors that even “Spicy,” our favorite White House Press Secretary, was literally HIDING IN THE WHITE HOUSE BUSHES yesterday to avoid speaking to the press. NO. JOKE.
(Note: NOT The Borowitz Report. Not even The Onion!!)
♣ SNL Sean Spicer VS. Sean Spicer Press Conference MELISSA MCCARTHY 😬 [5:42]:
♣ Speaking of Spicey, GUESS WHO is hosting SNL this weekend?
Happy early Mother’s Day to ME!!
(So happy I’m literally wiping tears right now.)
♣ In fact Spicy has so mortified himself he is spending the rest of the week hiding from the press and we have this gun toting, bible thumping stooge in his place:
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: ‘Democrats Would be Dancing in the Streets’ if Hillary Had Fired James Comey [0:52]:
♣ Go figure, she is the daughter of THIS GUY:
♣ YES I WISH I WERE MAKING ALL OF THIS UP!! Not. Possible.
♣ Finally, the VERY inspiration for this entire post, one of the pillar saving graces of this political season, the one who says it the very BEST, in my favorite dialect no less… children, people, I give you, the self-professed “Liberal Red Neck” himself, TRAE CROWDER.
Liberal Redneck – Where’s the Smoke, Comey’s Fired [2:50]:
Warning: Strong Ass Language!
#LetsFireHisAss #OutOfaCannon #IntotheMoon #WhereHeExplodes #WhatAndrewJacksonWouldHaveWanted
♣ But alas, as the GOP would like to say about the President, “At least he’s not a black guy.”
♣ Can’t it though? If we can’t have Obama back, can we at least have THIS guy as “PRESIDENT OF AMERICA!?”
Presenting; Dwayne Eliondo Mountain Dew Herbert Comancho!
President Camacho’s State of the Union [2:22]:
President of America, Dwayne Eliondo Mountain Dew Herbert Comancho
♣ PS: Do you think this is where Michael Moore got his idea to literally run Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for President 2020??
(Gud english not rekwired.)
♣ Wait I got it. *A* rock for president!
♣ Absolutely anyone, anything, besides this unthinkable *asshole.
♣ *Yes, even Pence. Bring on that typical alt-right, sexist, creationist, climate change denying, Koch’ed up homophobe next. And every asshole after that until we get our country back.
♣ I will keep up the fight.
And won’t stop ’til we win.
Or die trying.
That’s my Boy.
And these are my Girls.
♣ No wonder…
The Future is Female!